Secret Boss - Hyper Burnout

So many of us in today's working world are constantly bombarded with training after training covering everything from workplace bullying to hazardous chemicals, from workplace safety to workplace politics. But, the one that I feel is the most important and least understood is how to combat burnout. We all face it, but most of us have no idea how to recognize it in it's larval stages. We only realize it's there when we look around and find ourselves inside it's gaping maw. And, as any adventurer will tell you, the key to defeating a monster is to start fighting before you're in it's mouth. And, with that, I offer up myself as a cautionary tale for all of you.

About five years ago, I needed a big change in my life to shake myself out of a rut I'd found myself in. I started a new career in a very high stress and dangerous field. I had always been a soft spoken and chill guy. I didn't like to make waves or do anything to make other's thing badly of me. As I would later find out, what I took as being "chill" was actually chronic anxiety disorder and depression. My need to keep things peaceful and to know that others weren't upset with me were textbook symptoms that I didn't understand. So, in my naivety, I pursued some on-the-job training to teach me to be more assertive and better at conflict management. And what a rollercoaster adventure I was in for.

For the first year I had the excitement and desire to excel that a child would have. Every day was a new adventure and every day was a chance to learn something new. I love it. But, as the time marched on and the honeymoon phase of this new life I'd chosen wore off, so too did my excitement. Soon, the adventure turned into a stressful routine, a slow march through a bog of my own creation that I soon felt hopelessly trapped in. Before I knew it, I was 4 years into this new career and could no longer separate the trenches of my work life from the comfort of my home life. That's when the nightmares started. I was waking up in a panic in the middle of the night, reaching for my work equipment...that I wasn't wearing. I found myself on edge everywhere I went. I was always planning escape routes and sitting with my back to the wall wherever I went. It was such a slow process of losing myself that I didn't realize I was being devoured by burnout more and more each day. By the end of year 5, I felt numb... When I thought back to the person I was before, it felt like I had the memories of a completely different man implanted in my mind. It was crushing to think about. But worst of it all, I couldn't find any way out anymore.

I used to rely on escaping into movies or video games to relieve my stress levels. There was no day so terrible that building a house on the plains of Minecraft or running through the forests of Skyrim couldn't fix. But, for some reason, the numbness didn't go away when I went home anymore. I'd look at my old hobbies and projects and couldn't dredge up the motivation to pick up a controller, paintbrush, or hobby knife anymore. I just existed...no feelings, no drive, no purpose...just existing. I couldn't figure out how to break out of this mental prison I'd built. I mean, how do you build a ladder out of the pit you're in when none of your usual tools work anymore?

The answer I received came out of left field. I took a days off work and was able to go with my wife and children on a trip to go shopping in a nearby, bigger town. The trip wasn't anything particularly special at first. We checked out a couple of thrift shops, finding a few books and movies that seemed interesting. But then, the magic happened. We made a quick stop at Game Exchange to look around. I was checking out my usual shelves, PS5 and Switch games, anime, the usual nerdy stuff. That's when my daughter, with an explosion of excitement, called me over to a shelf covered in Pokémon cards. "Dad! I found a holo Dragonair! The artwork is so pretty!" At that moment, the numbness just floated away. I was so excited for my daughter's excitement that I stopped looking for any games I might want and instead, helped her search for treasures in three bulk boxes of Pokémon cards. I had finally shut off my work mind and become Dad again. All because of a holo Dragonair card and the joy it brought my bubbly, little girl. For the rest of the afternoon the adventure was ON! We goofed around Hobby Lobby and ROSS, finally getting to a grocery store for our last stop. Now, my son and I were tired so we elected to wait in the car and listen to music while my wife and daughter went in. Besides, as my wife will be quick to say, we just get in the way at the grocery store. My wife's grocery shopping has less in common with shopping and more in common with the surgical precision of a Navy SEAL team mission. So, I am always happy to wait in the car. Specially when I brought along a MIYOO Mini to play with.

As soon as my wife was in the store, I turned around and handed Pokémon Leaf Green to my son and we laughed every time he KO'd a Pidgey or Rattata as he started his first "classic" Pokémon adventure. He had only recently finished his first game in the series (Pokémon Sword) and was only 3 days into Scarlett. He had never understood the gameplay loop of the Pokémon series until now. And, now that he'd had his first taste of becoming a Master Trainer, he was thirsty for more. We laughed and played until my wife and daughter got back to the car. Then we started our homeward drive. Unbeknownst to me, my son continued with Leaf Green the whole drive home. About 10 minutes from home, I was drifting in and out of a nap in the front seat when I was jolted awake by, "DAD! I made it to the first gym!....AND I WON!" I was so shocked by the sudden noise, and instantly proud of his accomplishment and the excitement it brought him. It was a wonderful day.

Now, I'm not the expert on overcoming burnout and that horrible numbness that can overtake us when life gets into a repetitive, destructive routine. But what I've come to understand is this...we all face it. And, if you're there right now, like I am, we aren't alone in this. Despair is a real beast. It lurks out there in the shadows of our day to day life. It can be attached to emails, printed on endless reports, whispering during meetings, anywhere. There is no magic bullet that will put the numbness in it's final resting place. No wooden stake to put through its cold, burnt out heart. But, if we can embrace just a moment of the wonder and excitement of a child, we can remember how to fight it. If we can find joy in something...ANYTHING and latch onto it with both hands, it can become the hot air balloon that lifts us up out of the monster's grasp. For me, that was tiny cartoon monsters that my kids have fallen in love with, and sharing those happy moments with them that reminded me how to be excited again. And, now that I'm feeling again, I think it's definitely time to GAME ON!

To any of my readers battling depression, anxiety, or burnout. You aren't alone. We're all in this together. We're all brothers and sisters in this struggle and if any of you need someone to talk to with absolutely no judgements, I will always be glad to answer an email if you want to talk.

-With love and support, Rictus-