Parenting with Help

As the proud new owner of a 2024 model 18-year-old, I'm having to learn to adapt to having a shiny new adult in my home. The change of confidence, attitude, and thought processes has been a roller coaster around the Nostalgia House....and that's just me. I can't even begin to explain the mutating proto-adult that my daughter has transformed into. Just the other day, we had a catastrophic colliding of Sgt. Dad and the fiery grown-up daughter. The battle lines were drawn, the field of combat chosen, and just as the opposing forces loosed their battle cries and started bashing swords and axes against their shields...something very unexpected happened. A third party descended between armies and a profound calm fell over both sides.

Let me back up a little bit. My daughter turned 18 at the end of 2024. Such a momentous event seemed to pass with little change in her behavior. I had prepared for that day expecting the arguments I had seen on countless sitcoms over the years. The screaming "I'm not a child anymore!" or "You can't tell me what to do anymore!"...but the day came, the day went, and my little girl remained her delightfully nerdy self. Then, as is prone to happening when you have a daughter, a boy got involved in my happy little corner of the world. For her dignity, I won't share details, but know that Mrs. Nostalgia and myself were far from being fans of this particular specimen of adolescent manhood, and were even less impressed with the secretive nature of this young adult relationship. This quickly lead to artery bursting blood pressure, body quaking anger the likes of which I hadn't felt in years. All I could think about was how hurt and betrayed I felt. How could MY daughter go behind my back and do this to me...and with HIM of all the boys? It took me most of a morning to realize I was making this all about me. I wasn't even considering that the real main character of this story was my daughter. That, my friends, is when I sat down...took a deep breath...and started to pray.

I read in my Bible that prayers should be in private and not done out in public so as not to appear like we're bragging or being prideful. But, in this case I want to share a bit of my meditation as a guide for other parents out there struggling with children infected with chronic adult-itus. I prayed for for my daughter's heart, and for the wisdom to guide that heart and the peace within me to not hurt that heart. I needed to know how to be the father that she needed me to be in that moment, and who better to ask for help than the one we call THE Father. After asking for Him to speak through my heart, I picked up my Bible and asked Him to guide me to where I needed to be taught. I closed my eyes, opened the book to the page I felt was right and dropped my finger in the middle of the page. When I opened my eyes, I was confused...Luke 13:6.

I'd read this parable of the fig tree before. It honestly felt like a weird little story that didn't really explain anything. I read it about 7 times before it hit me. For those that don't know it, the story goes a little like this.

A farmer planted a fig tree in his garden. For years, it grew but never produced any figs for him. The farmer finally gave up and went to chop the tree down and throw it away. Before he could take the first swing of his axe, his gardener stopped him. The gardener pleaded for the opportunity to care for the tree and give it fertilizer for one more year before it was cut down. The farmer agreed. The gardener could care for the tree for one more year. If it then produced figs, great! If it continued to fail, it would be cut down.

See, just a short little parable that I assumed meant something about not giving up or not passing judgement too soon. I couldn't have been more wrong. I finally realized that the farmer represents God, the gardener represents Jesus...and the tree is us. We have fallen short of what we were meant to do in creation. God wanted to "cut us down" and be done with us. But, Jesus stepped in and asked for us to be given one more chance to learn and be nurtured by Him. One more chance to prove we could grow and be better than we had been. It's a beautiful story. But wait! There's more!

On top of that realization, it also sank into my heart that there's another way to read that story. I'm the farmer...my daughter is the tree...and Jesus is still the gardener. I was ready to fight for control of my little girl and either get my way or have her move out. I was upset enough to "cut her down" and be done with her. But, as parents, we can NEVER reach that point with our children. There's never a last chance, because our children get infinite chances with us...so long as they're still trying to grow and become better. I'm not condoning enabling children to be lazy or violent or criminal, etc. But, they will always make mistakes. They will always make weird, out-of-left-field decisions. The will always fall down. It's our job to always be there to catch them when they fall. To point them in the right direction and encourage them to keep fighting forward. So, just like the parable said, I'm inviting Jesus to nurture and guide my daughter. And I will give Him all the time he asks for so long as I see my daughter trying to listen to Him and trying to grow.

Now, back to the battlefield. Just as we were about to enter into a brutal argument that had a high chance of pushing us apart for a very long time. A calm came over me. I sat down with her and explained why her choice had upset her mother and I so much. And, more than anything, how it scared us that she was making those kinds of choices when those choices were not who she really was. What could have become a family shattering battle, turned into a conversation that brought father and daughter closer together than we've ever been. And for that, I give my thanks to the Father for guiding my words and helping me heal my daughter's broken heart...for helping me become the dad I promised her I would be for her.

For those of you joining us on this journey with our faith, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I keep all of you in my prayers and thank God every day that I have the opportunity (however infrequently) to share share this journey with so many brothers and sisters. Thank you.

And for my incredible Daughter: You're more amazing than you'll ever realize. I couldn't be more proud of you or more blessed to have you be my little girl. I love you!

Glory be the the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. Amen . . . Peace be with you all